He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
