ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
