never play flip cup with pint glasses
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Randomize
