You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
