Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
