Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
