Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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