I wish my penis had an off switch
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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