Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
