So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
