Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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