remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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