my being single is dangerous.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
