Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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