I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
