No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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