I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
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