I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
