I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you didnt know i had herpes?
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
