dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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