he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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