Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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