Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Floor bacon is actually really good
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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