apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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