her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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