Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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