I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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