wanna go halves on a baby?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
