I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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