3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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