I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
