Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
