just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
