I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
