Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
