Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
