Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
