I wish I could teleport
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
i've created a new STD.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
