Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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