Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
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