I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
40s are totally the cure
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
