did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
