Don't make out with my wife yet
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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