I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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