dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
