girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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