My sheets look like a crime scene.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
