I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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