dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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