i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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