i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just pee around me
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Randomize
