i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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