They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I would ride that face into the sunset
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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