Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
