3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
