Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
