I could make wine with my vomit
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
