and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
